I'm both well and unwell.

So much to say, but so much that I cannot tell, at least not to anyone who might know me.

I don't know for sure if I want someone to see this, or no one to see this.

In any case, I keep thinking about the end. I'm afraid of it as much as I want it.

Like always, my thoughts and mind are torn in two but cannot escape each other.

The more I want to end myself, the more I want to save myself, and the more I see it futile, but the cycle loops.

I'm trapped in this state of stability, yet longing to be uncontrollable.

As my life solidifies, the more I feel it is uncertain.

Inside I scream for help, and outwardly I know I should not ask for it.

I seek change for the better, but stay comfortable in all remaining the same.

Change, change, change...

And it still all stays the same.

When I look in the mirror, I want to keep staring, and I want to run away.

I see someone, and I don't know if she's me or not.

Her eyes are beautiful, but I never want to see them again.

Her hair is flowing and pleasant, and it's a mess I can't control.

I want to love her, and I want to kill her, but I do not know who she is.

Tired...

I'm so tired, but I don't want to go to sleep.

I want to sleep forever, but I don't want to abandon everything.

The exit is right there, but I have to stay.

For me and for everyone. Even when everyone feels like no one.

I want to be helped, but don't try to help me.

Dreaming about ruining everything, and terrified of losing anything.

I'm safe. I'm under control. I have a grip on myself and my life.

I think about nooses, bullet cigarettes, knives, bridges, poisons, traffic.

But I'm in control. I don't want to go to sleep. But I'm tired.

Tired and so restless, but that's not a reason to pack it in.

Just have some more coffee, have a cup of tea.

Breathe deep, and feel the blood flow.

I'm at peace. Just for a moment.

It's enough, but it's never enough.

I want to hide, but I want to confront.

Procrastination, dismissal, surrender, strive, ambition, desire.

I want to be the woman I want to have.

So why do I hate who I am so much?

I want everyone to see me, and know how much I have to offer.

So I hide away where no one has to look at me.

I help myself. I hurt myself. I heal myself.

But it's still just myself. I want someone to step in.

They can't know. They shouldn't know. They won't know.

These are the things I'm not allowed to say.

There's something wrong with me.

I'm not supposed to say it because it will bother people.

I look at what's in my hand, and I feel something horrible inside.

My heart is pounding and I'm breathing hard.

It keeps talking to me and giving me an invitation.

I have to keep saying no.

The following is a collection of one-liner thoughts I had. Some of them seem like good song titles, but as we all know I don't do music anymore apparently.

My lungs fill with our sorrow

Do you remember the time you held me and everything was better?

Of course you don't

I want to let go of myself

I sink and sag

Sand flows from my lips

A heart only beating because you told it to

Abandoned, to be abandoned

I feel it escape through my ribs like smoke

No one is left and I hate that I wanted it this way

The sidewalk is kinda cozy now that I feel it

The things I want to say all fall to the side. They get lost in the wind

I thought I could be okay...

Weren't you here? I want to be there with you again...

Too painful to relive, too painful to forget

Were you wrong to hurt me?

We all miss you... Why can't you just come back? Why did you have to go?

Disappointing even by my lowered expectations of myself

I'm gonna die doing this

Tears like tar

I want it all to go away. Leave me here in silence

I didn't mean it... I can't do this without you

Quotation marks around "happy"

Is it worth it? You didn't think so

Fall through the floor. I belong in the dirt anyway

How can I feel these thoughts? They don't mean anything

False tears from a false face

Nobody's martyr

I want to get back to making music, but I've been entirely empty inside. No creativity, no energy, no inspiration, no passion. What happened to me? It's like something inside me is gone. It died, or left, or went comatose.

I'll make something again eventually I'm sure but I can't do it when I feel this hollow.

Music production basically came to a halt over the last year. I've been stressed out and pretty busy with life, but despite wanting to listen to and make new music, I've been having such severe anxiety attacks that I haven't really been able to much. I've been too afraid to even listen to new music. I've got some ideas for what I want to work on next, but we'll just have to wait and see when that happens...

Here I am as a single, depressed, 23 y/o girl. It's almost been a year since my album, and I've done very little since. However, I'm working on two collaborative tracks, so hopefully I'll be able to share those soon.

One is with ParsecProject and the other is with Screaming Fist

After the album was done, I was hoping to just sell ten copies. I'd have been overjoyed with that number.

I sold exactly zero. I have to wonder if nothing I've made is as good as I'd hoped, or if my taste in music is just plain bad. And now when I open up my program again, nothing comes to me.

https://hackmusic.bandcamp.com/album/prototype-stage

It's finally here. I can't wait to see what people think of it.

The new logo is done, and I'm two tracks away from completing my first album: Prototype Stage. It'll go up on bandcamp for 10 bucks once done. I'm very excited for this.

I need money, so I'm going to try and put together an album soon. I'm going to try and get it out fast, but quality comes first. For now, all uploads will be works in progress, so that anything I sell won't be available for free download elsewhere.